New Levels of Goverment Stupidity
by Vaneria Potter
Summary: Because those who rebelled against Umbridge are not going to sit back while the Ministry tries to pull something like THAT! A semi-parody of Marriage Law fics, with no offense intended toward any fan-authors who may have written one.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Nor do I own the Marriage Law Plot, though I take credit for this particular spin._

_Summary: Why 'The New Marriage Law' is a stupid idea._

* * *

**WHY MARRIAGE LAWS ARE STUPID**

Why the Ministry of Magic thought that the personal relationships of the Wizarding World as a whole was any of their business was a complete mystery.

Why they were trying to pass a new law about it was, if possible, an even bigger mystery.

The majority of the adult Wizarding World population might be sheep, and the rest of them dead, still-recovering, or not-returned-from-fleeing from the war with Voldemort, but the younger generation had just finished a battle and a year of Ministry-Sanctioned Hell, and were not about to take this lying down.

Some things transcended House Barriers, and this was one of them. That was why half of the school, and even some of the recent graduates, were crowded into the Great Hall, Firewhisky disguised as Butterbeer being passed around by those legal to drink, all resolved to at least try to do something about the new Marriage Law.

Hermione Granger, the logical choice, was heading the meeting. "Right, let's look at this one point at a time. '_The decline of the Magical Population after the recent war'._"

Natasja Rose, a half-blood Slytherin Seventh-Year, muttered something rude. "It would have been nice if they'd thought of that _before_ trying to wipe out half of the population in the first place!"

Her cousin Vanessa, a recently-graduated Ravenclaw, agreed. "The Second World War, when Grindelwald was trying to take over, ended with an even bigger Death Toll and near-genocide, and no one was shrieking about mandatory marriages then! Besides, I thought we were past getting married at sixteen just to pop out a few sprogs!"

Angelina Johnson enthusiastically backed this up. "Yeah! Are they even considering the kind of havoc this would play on a witch's career? What about those of us who don't want, or aren't ready for, kids?"

Millicent Bulstrode, whose mother was a healer, added her tuppence. "What about those couples who _can't_ have kids? Sometimes it isn't a question of wanting, it just doesn't happen."

Dennis Creevy, a Muggle-Born, raised a tentative hand. "If they're worried about rebuilding the population, why am I being paired with Blaise Zabini? Is there some kind of weird Wizarding biology difference that I don't know about? Last I checked, men can't have babies."

The wizard in question was busy looking over the decree, along with a few other politically inclined students, and was paying minimal attention to the discussion. "Difference in gender numbers, I suppose." What the younger boy actually said finally registered. "Wait, what!"

Hermione stifled an absurd, totally inappropriate giggle. "Next point. _'Carefully chosen based on being compatible in Magical Talent and Personality.'_"

It was Ginny Weasley's turn to speak up from where she, Lavender Brown, and the Patil Twins were reviewing the list of matches. "If that's the case, why are you being paired with Goyle? For that matter, who thought that me and Malfoy would be a good idea_?"_

The Malfoy Heir's half-shriek of protest was ignored, while everyone tried to figure out the logic, or compatibility issues, of the Gryffindor Brainiac being paired with a wizard about as intelligent as someone's pet rock, or Draco Malfoy with a 'Blood-Traitor' who happened to be his polar opposite. Goyle's sole talent had always been stating the blindingly obvious. "I'm marrying a mudblood?"

Rose Zellwenger cut in, "Oh, belt up, Goyle. Didn't we just finish a war based on Blood 'Purity'? Now they're trying to force unions between people who were probably on opposite sides? Don't any of them see even half the problems with that?"

Orla Quirke agreed. "Catastrophe looking for a place to happen, you mean. Half of these marriages won't last a minute past one partner figuring out how to make it look like an accident."

Natasja re-joined the conversation. "If they try to make me dump my Muggle boyfriend, much less marry a Dark Lord sympathiser, I'll be a widow and out of the country as soon as there are no witnesses."

This also brought up another problem. "What about those of us who already have partners, but just haven't tied the knot yet?"

Natasja's Hufflepuff twin, Sarah, joined the discussion. "Then you'd better get to the alter, fast. Ah, does anyone know who Ian Wilson is?"

Natalie MacDonald, Gryffindor fifth-year, spoke up. "I think he works for the Ministry in my Dad's department. Senior Vice-Head or something."

Sarah's voice was deadly quiet. "I see. Is there a reason I'm being forced to marry someone old enough to be my father? Or possibly Grandfather?"

There was an uncomfortable silence, broken by the doors of the Great Hall opening , to reveal a man with the puffed-up air of a Ministry Official who was far less important than he acted (and knew it), and several Lackeys. The official tried to look intimidating as he looked around the jam-packed room. "I have received word that you are all refusing to obey the Ministry and marry the partners selected for you."

Natalie MacDonald glared. "That's right. I'll marry when, where and who I choose, and no jumped-up idiot can make me do otherwise!"

The Ministry Official waved a dismissive hand. "Nonsense, Miss MacDonald. I'm sure that you and Professor Snape will be perfectly happy together."

There was a deathly silence as everyone tried to either re-start their brains, or work through the logistics and plausibility of _Obliviate_-ing themselves after the last piece of information.

All lackeys tended to have a good sense of when it was best to not be around, and were inching toward the door in what they probably hoped was an inconspicuous manner. They, at least, had the brainpower to note the hard looks aimed at them, recall that every single one of them had access to a wand, and realize that the slope of an erupting volcano was probably a safer place to be than the Hogwarts Great Hall. The Ministry Official was not so enlightened, and only waited a few moments before trying to force the issue. "As you are all conveniently in one place, I must insist that we travel directly to the Ministry of Magic. The Legal sub-section of the Department of Records will be happy to perform a mass ceremony for all of you."

The Lackeys broke and ran for it, barely missing a hail of spellfire as the Ministry Official was 'forcefully ejected' straight into the Whomping Willow. With the Light of Righteous Fury in her eyes, Hermione turned to face her fellow students. "That's enough. We've tried talking, but they clearly aren't listening. If the adults can't be trusted to act in our best interest, then we'll just have to do it ourselves."

Orla looked sceptical. "How? We might have common sense on our side, but the Ministry has the DMLE, filled with Qualified Aurors on theirs! We can't change things if we're in St. Mungo's or dead from taking on quality fighters!"

Natasja shelved her Slytherin Sensibilities and leapt onto the table, pretending not to notice Sarah casting a spell to make her robes and hair stream in an invisible wind. "The Ministry has Aurors… and a bunch of pencil-pushers who I wouldn't count on for a piss-up in a brewery, and will probably just try to hide under their desks! It might be Quality versus Quantity, but Quantity has its own Quality! Down with the Marriage Laws!"

The cheer that went up threatened to bring down the castle.

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_A/N: OK, so I found all of the stupid reasons for a Ministry 'Marriage Law', many of them thinly-veiled excuses to pair up OTPs that would otherwise never happen, and tried to refute them. Let me know how I did, please._

_Thanks, Nat_


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. The original Marriage Law idea is also not mine, though I do own this particular spin on it._

_Summary: See Previous Chapters_

_A/N: Because people wanted a follow-up chapter. Blame/thank Pyriel CZ_

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**PART TWO**

The Ministry of Magic was having a very unpleasant last few days.

Most of the time, the magical community did what they were told without a fuss, so all the Ministry had to do was make speeches, a few quotes for the Daily Prophet, and a new law every couple of months, and everyone was happy.

Only now, a few rebellious civilians were going against the natural order of things.

A proposal had been submitted, along with a very large donation, suggesting a marriage law to bring the Wizarding World back to its feet and revive the falling Pureblood population. Most of the magical population that had remained in England during the war with Voldemort had obeyed after a bit of quiet grumbling, but the schoolchildren (and recent graduates) of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry were being downright insubordinate!

The little brats had started by sending a very nasty letter, demanding to know what made the ministry think that they had any right to interfere in other peoples' personal relationships.

The Ministry of Magic had replied with a perfectly calm and sensible letter, appropriately stuffed with legal jargon and official policies, boiling down to the fact that they were the Ministry of Magic and therefore knew what was best for the Wizarding World, up to and including personal relationships. They even included a copy of the Marriage Law and reasoning thereof.

The students of Hogwarts, rather than seeing sense and quietly complying, barricaded them inside the Hallowed Halls of their school, refusing any and all summons to come to the Ministry, sign the Marriage Registrar, and start making new little witches and wizards.

Finally, the Ministry of Magic sent a minor Official and several lackeys from the Department of Family Affairs. The official was pompous enough that the students would fall in line just to make him shut up and go away (it worked whenever they threw him at whoever the Department of International Co-operation was having trouble with that week), and the lackeys would present a show of solidarity to guilt the students into doing as they were told.

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For some reason, it didn't work as planned.

The lackeys returned, frantic and missing both the official and about half of their original number. They returned not with reports of students behaving themselves, falling into line and getting married in a mass ceremony as planned, but with tales of over a thousand young and angry witches and wizards, who had taken down the Department Official and the absent lackeys, whose mortality status was currently unknown.

The survivors had fled, barely escaping with their lives and, with all due respect, would prefer to resign than go back there, if it was all the same to their superiors.

It was not all the same to their superiors. The lackeys didn't care, and still were not going back to Hogwarts, especially not in regards to anything even remotely connected to the Marriage law.

The Ministry considered sending Aurors in. Half of the force, particularly the ones with relatives at Hogwarts, suddenly came down with some horrible yet undefined illness, and were on sick leave until further notice.

* * *

The point was quickly rendered moot less than half an hour later.

The Floo fireplaces flared green. The Apparition points echoed with mass arrivals. The alarms that signalled incoming Portkeys went wild. The Students of Hogwarts had arrived, and they were out for blood and Marital Freedom.

Caught unprepared, most of those present went down under a hail of spell fire. When the remaining Aurors came running, the student forces split.

Those who had graduated and/or participated in the Battle of Hogwarts split off to take on the Aurors and the workers for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures, who had showed up to help. The rest of the students took on the remaining Ministry workers, consisting mostly of pencil pushers and the stupid or unmotivated who were only employed because of Family Connections.

* * *

It was over very quickly.

The Ministry of Magic employees were either promptly removed to the DMLE Holding Cells, or making a desperate (and quickly failing) last stand in the Wizengamot Chambers. It was noticeable as the first time in remembered history that Slytherin and Gryffindor House had worked in unity on _anything_, without another House acting as a buffer.

Hermione Granger and a gaggle of Ravenclaws had stormed the Ministry Archives, particularly the sections dealing with laws and proposals, and were now closeted away, the perimeter guarded by several stone-faced Hufflepuffs.

If enough people refused to acknowledge the Marriage Law, and there was no physical evidence of the law existing in the first place, then the population could not be forced to follow what was officially no more than rumour, misinformation and hearsay. It was sad that so many people had believed that nonsense and been negatively affected, but that was what happened when you blindly followed without questioning, no matter how idiotic the instruction was.

Natasja Rose, accompanied by several other students, cornered the Master of Ceremonies, the Official in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement who dealt with Emergency Powers, and a random court scribe. Held at wand-point, surrounded by young adults with a very angry and determined glint in their eyes, the Ministry Officials hastily swore the young Slytherin woman in as the new Minister of Magic.

They could hold a proper vote and ceremony some other time, the witch claimed. Right now, there were a few things that needed changing, and some measures that should be taken.

Her first act as Minister for Magic was to pass a law that all witches and wizards employed by the Ministry of Magic, present and future, had to take a general ethics course and a Basic Competency Test.

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_A/N: You can blame/thank Pyriel CZ for this. I had intended to leave it as a one-shot… until they sent a review that sparked a plot-bunny._

_I'm not very good at writing Action or Fight scenes (which may be the reason for so few reviews in the last few chapters of **The Dursley Witch**), so I hope I didn't do too badly._

_I have mixed feelings about Marriage Law fics. I enjoy ones that have people fighting back, getting angry and/or doing something about it. I hate ones that are a transparent excuse for your One True Pairing. Double if your One True Pairing is Teacher/Student, one old enough to be the other's parent, hated each other until you decided otherwise, and/or a homosexual relationship between two people who were heterosexual in Canon._

_I have no issue with same-sex couples; I just require that they be written plausibly._

_As always, Constructive Criticism is appreciated, but Flames are not._

Thanks, Nat


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